Welcome, comic fans and fellow architects of imaginary realms! The life of an artist isn’t always a bed of roses. It’s a profession that is rife with inner turmoil. Maybe that’s why artists are often shown as having a screw loose and author’s are often portrayed as drunks – they grapple with a lot of inner demons. And today we’re going to talk about the artist’s arch-nemesis, the king of all inner demons – self-doubt.
I hope I can help others learn to not make the same mistakes I have made.
Doubt - The Mind-killer
Every human on Earth deals with self-doubt. It’s like that unwanted guest who never seems to leave, a pesky companion we didn’t invite but who insists on sticking around. Artists, in particular, grapple with it on a whole new level. Our creations are like our babies, born from the depths of our imagination and crafted with love, yet we’re never quite certain how the world will embrace them. It’s a peculiar paradox of art – the audience decides our work’s fate, not the artist. So, self-doubt becomes an unavoidable shadow, lurking behind every stroke of the pen or brush.
Ignorance is Bliss
Back in the day, when I was young and creating short films, doubt WASN’T a frequent visitor. I was convinced that my cinematic endeavors would pan out, that it was all going to all work out in the end. SOMEHOW.But then life threw a curveball. I had to adapt to my situation – to living in Japan. I was faced with the challenge of making my storytelling dreams a reality in a more budget-friendly medium (since, let’s face it, making films can be expensive), I embraced the world of comics with unbridled enthusiasm. At the outset, doubt was nowhere in sight. I figured if I hunkered down, made comics, got good at the craft, got published, and made a few contacts, I’d make it somewhere. Then Action Lab happened.
Observing how they dealt with me and Mark and many other creators opened my eyes. The first whispers of doubt crept in – “How is this going to work out? Can I really make a career out of this?”
So Many Questions
As 2023 unfolded and I realized that publishers weren’t going to make me any money, self-doubt burrowed itself deeper into my creative core. The once clear path now seemed shrouded in uncertainty. The relentless questioning of how to achieve my goals became a constant companion. Hope, which had once fueled my artistic fire, flickered and dimmed. Now, I no longer have hope that ‘things are going to work out, somehow.’ It’s a sentiment I’m sure resonates with many artists and people in general right now.
So many questions now swim through my mind on a daily basis. I’m filled with uncertainty. I’m filled with questions and thoughts of…
Why Doesn’t Anyone Take Me Seriously?
I found myself pondering this question like a riddle without a solution. Every time I released a new creation into the wild, I felt like I was donning a cloak of invisibility, my creations floating in the void without a single glance. The deafening silence left me grappling with the thought: what do I need to do for someone to simply look at what I’ve poured my heart into?
The struggle escalated when faced with the stark reality of having to sell my work independently. I couldn’t get responses from the publishers that I wanted to work with, or from editors or agents. And some of the publishers I was working with didn’t appear to really care about the work I was doing with them (they certainly weren’t making me any money). Suddenly, I felt thrust into the role of a hustler. I questioned whether I could be this extroverted salesman on top of being an artist and writer. Because if I knew how to do that, if I knew how to connect with people, I wouldn’t be an artist in the first place.
In Truth, Am I Bad at This?
I thought my work was good. To be honest, I thought my line work and art was really good. I thought it competed quite competently with most of the work on comic store shelves. But a deeper fear emerged – am I actually bad at this?
The confidence in my work, once unshakable, began to crumble under the weight of unmet expectations. The silence from publishers and editors morphed into a loud echo of doubt. This was only fueled by negative reviews and criticism. “I don’t like the art style at all.” “The tale, like the art, is a little weak in its delivery” “Liked the story, but the art work … kept pulling me away from the story. It was just …. Bad” No ‘fan’ had ever said a nice thing about my art. In actuality, the only contact I’ve ever gotten was negateive (like the time a comic store told me my comic failed on the shelf and that I should do everyone a favor and jump off a bridge).
Am I actually bad at this? The first thought to pop in my head is the natural “It’s not you, it’s them!” But usually the one who says “Everyone’s crazy!” is the crazy one.
Maybe “I’m” the Crazy One?
In these moments of despair, I found myself questioning if I was the crazy one. Maybe my perception of good art was a delusion, and my creations were not as competent as I believed. Art is, of course, in the eye of the beholder. But I’ve always been told that I had a gift at this, that I had a talent. Maybe that was just encouragement from love ones that didn’t want to see me get hurt. Maybe it was a way to try to give me confidence in myself. But maybe I also wasn’t really good at this. Not good enough. Self-doubt whispered that perhaps I was not cut out for this creative journey.
What’s the Point?
And then, the big question loomed – what’s the point? Months of hard work, sleepless nights, and sacrifices led to release after release being meet with the deafening sound of crickets. Time after time. No one read what I’d made, and the few that did, didn’t seem to like it. Why was I doing this? I didn’t get much money. Instead I only became poorer because I was ‘pursuing my dreams,’ leaving less money for my family and future. I didn’t connect with any readers (which is what really I wanted out of this). Instead, the only feedback I got was negative or not related (see Haters and Toxicity). I was getting physically and mentally more tired because of this. It all left me wondering if the pursuit of my dreams only brought negative consequences.
Does this Only Bring me Negative Things?
What has creating comics (or more specifically, storytelling) actually brought into my life? Rejection. I’ve faced continual crushing disappointment from the hundreds and hundreds of rejection letters that I have received. Sacrifice. I’ve sacrifice doing a job that I like in order to have time to create art (ie. teaching English, something I don’t enjoy). Isolation. Many friendships have floundered and faded as I opted to focus on my craft. Lost Time. I’ve given so many holidays, so much of my ‘free time,’ to creation and I can’t get that time back. Happy memories are instead filled with the disappointment creating has wrought. And now that I’m getting older, my time left on this planet is so much less and so much more precious and I don’t want to spend it this way.
Geeze. All that’s pretty negative. There’s got to be something positive that creating stories has brought. Money? Very little. Between 1000-8000 a year. That’s a far cry from my goal of a full time job (20,000 a year). Fame? I actually don’t want that. Connection with others? None that I can see. People reading my work? Nope. I can’t see that anyone has seen anything I’ve made, let alone read it, let alone liked it, let alone connected with it on some level. Knowing that you’ve created a story that’s worth reading? Well, maybe. But if no one knows if that story exists, does it truly hold the value you think it has? It’s a lot like that silly philosophical question “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?”
It all was so negative.
Sometimes I felt I should just shrivel up and fade away.
Then it hit me. No one else cares that you feel this way. The only one that does is you. It’s your choice to react this way to these turns in life. You can let them bring you down. Or you can use them as a way to become stronger. Either way, YOU need to do something. You need to change your perspective on these things and cut the baggage that’s bringing you down.
Taking a Step Back
So, I’ve taken a break from the drawing board, not permanently, but for a little while, allowing myself the space to reevaluate priorities and discern what truly matters. Life is short, and time is a precious commodity. There’s no need to waste it drowning in misery. It’s time to change the narrative, to approach challenges with a fresh perspective, and to reclaim the joy that sparked this creative journey in the first place.
Now, I know what commenters will say. “Your expectations weren’t realistic to begin with.” or “The artists that succeed are the artists that hustle.” or “Quit whining and get on with it.” I’m thinking these things too, but that’s kind of missing the point. I’m saying all these things to help other creators out there that might be in a similar position. I want them to know they aren’t alone. That they can change things. And I hope I can help others learn to not make the same mistakes I have made.
As I navigate these introspective waters, I’m reminded that every artist, every creator, battles with doubt. It’s not the absence of doubt that defines us but how we choose to confront and overcome it. So, here’s to rediscovering the passion, embracing the challenges, and turning the page to a new chapter of creativity, resilience, and self-discovery. After all, the best stories often emerge from the darkest chapters.
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*I don’t use AI for my artwork. These filler images are just for fun and aren’t meant to represent my art so they have been labeled “AI GENERATED.” I want my blog to be enjoyable for you but I don’t have 2-6 hours to draw each image (this blog is done in my free time). If you’re against AI in art, please direct your criticism elsewhere (maybe someone trying to pass off AI generated images as their art). I am not doing that.
Darryl…wow. Such transparency and self-awareness. I watched the “Afterall” video and read the lyrics. I am deeply moved by what you have written. Better to save my comments for a less public forum. I’m so proud of you!!!